What comes to mind when you think about self-care?
Is it:
A) Something to practice when you're frazzled and approaching a burnout crisis.
OR
B) Taking lots of pink bubble baths.
We've come to associate 'self-care' with luxurious girly pampering - or crisis management.
Well, that's bollocks.
Self-care is not a nice-to-have - it's a daily necessity in order to preserve physical and mental health and wellbeing. It's as important as eating, drinking, moving and sleeping (which, by the way, are acts of self-care!)
It's as important as love - in fact, it is a deep expression of love. And yet... it's so often the last thing we think about.
The very idea of prioritising your own needs can be laden with guilt, shame and embarrassment for many. This is especially true for those of you who are used to putting others' needs before your own.
Guilt, shame and embarrassment are also bollocks!
Self-care looks different for everyone - and depends on what your needs are in the moment. There isn't a one-size-fits-all way to care for yourself.
Sometimes self-care is forcing your butt off the sofa and out for a run or a dog walk.
Sometimes it's taking yourself off to bed, or making sure you've eaten today.
Sometimes it's getting a structured routine in place for meditation, hydration, sleep and nutrition. Like getting a little bit stricter with yourself and being your own bossy coach/cheerleader.
And sometimes it means letting all that shit go, and allowing yourself to just rest and be.
How will you know?
When you feel flat, tired, bored and uninspired - when what you're doing is an effort and doesn't bring you joy - it's probably time to shake things up and get more active.
When you wake up feeling anxiety and dread - it's probably time to slow down or even stop.
When you start to resent all the things you're doing for others - it's probably time for a time-out.
When you're trying to decide what kind of self-care you need, ask yourself these searching questions - and answer honestly!
If you feel you need to do more:
Is this self-motivation or self-punishment?
Do I need to push myself harder? Is there someone who'd be disappointed in me if I didn't?
Is this coming from an enjoyable motivation - or a feeling of not-enoughness if you don't do it?
If you feel you need to do less:
Am I getting the rest I need - or am I avoiding something?
Am I stopping because of a lack of self-belief that I can do the thing?
Am I approaching the last 10% of a task/project? (In which case, push through to the end - trust me!)
Only you will know what you truly need - and it might be helpful to imagine that you're talking it through with your best friend or coach - what would they say you need?
Ask yourself - will this feel good right now but bad later? Or - will this feel bad right now but good later?
OR (the sweet spot) - will this feel good right now AND good later?
The truth is - this feeling is not going to just pass with time. More likely, it'll get suppressed. You'll just learn to deal with it - you'll 'cope'.
My love, I know you can cope. You've proved that a hundred times over.
Don't you want to do more than just cope? Wouldn't you like to thrive instead? How would THAT feel?
Here's some self-care tips for you:
If you need to do a bit more:
Make a list of all the things that you want to work on, then pick ONE to focus on for a whole day.
Then a whole week.
Start small and give yourself realistic, manageable daily goals.
Build on your successes and move on very quickly from your so-called 'failures'.
Get support! Hire a coach, guide, healer, teacher, support group.
Get an accountability buddy - tell a good friend what you're doing and check in with them to make sure it gets done.
Take regular breaks and be compassionate with yourself.
If you need to do a bit less:
Understand that any guilt you feel about this is a tool of the patriarchy and, as such, can fuck all the way off.
Book your rest time in your diary - like actually write it in there.
Can't take a week off? How about a day?
Can't take a day off? How about an hour?
Can't take an hour off? You're in trouble, my friend - get it booked in NOW!
Rest can be a total switch-off (sleep/meditation), or something gently active (massage/stroll/making art). It's up to you.
Read a book, take a pink bubble bath (yes you actually can do that), call a friend, watch a movie, take a walk, sing a song, feed your body.
YOU decide - and make sure your choice is coming from the most loving and compassionate part of yourself.
Big love,
P.S. Sometimes self-care means letting someone care for you - or even asking them to. Get the love, care and support you need while you learn this new skill.
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